My grandmother had a severe stroke last week. One of the most severe kinds of strokes one could have. I was the first grandchild and third family member to see her, and I remember every detail of that visit, I couldn’t forget it if I tried. Nana, astonishingly sweet, soft spoken, caring, now barely able to open her eyes, unable to move, lip and chin deformed, and barely able to mutter, moan, even breathe. Death came for her, but for some reason life prevailed.
After the initial shock settled in, my thoughts became more and more self destructive and were just building one on top of the other. Nana almost lost her life. Her life. Everything she had, everything she had ever known, seen, learned, experienced, was almost gone in the snap of a finger. It has never been more apparent to me how much I value the things here on earth, and I developed an unshakeable fear of losing these things. I want my boyfriend, I love and care for him more than I could describe to you. I love my friends, they are some of the greatest people I’ve ever met. I love my family, I care for them so incredibly much. The physical beauty of this world will never cease to amaze me. It’s all so promising, and I became so aware of how attached I am to everything I’ve experienced and known on earth. It gave me an incredible fear of death- of losing it all. But I’ve gotten a reality check, and realized that none of it is promising. My promise is in something much greater, bigger than I could ever experience or know of on earth. No matter how much I love the people I’m surrounded by, or how much I love certain things on this earth, it is not my home.
Recently, I’ve just become friends with this girl. In her Instagram bio is a link to her blog. She wrote what I’m about to post so beautifully that it brought me to tears. She would probably be way creeped out that I’m copying and pasting her words and crying over them, but I’m doing it anyways because it satisfiesthe answer to my struggles and fears that well.
“Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE LIFE! I’m thankful for each day that I get to walk through this world feeling joy, loving and being loved, learning about Him and growing in Him. But I also know what awaits me: a home. Because no matter how beautiful this world is, it is still broken. So while I’m here, the Lord will hold my hand and walk through valleys. And He’ll stand beside me on the mountaintop. Through it all, He will never leave. He’s the only thing we can be truly sure of. He is the only place we find security. And true shelter is found under His wing. And while I am daily amazed of the beauty of His Creation, I can’t even imagine how beautiful Heaven will be. Standing in the light of His glory and eternally worshipping Him. Looking Him in the eyes and seeing more beauty than the most magnificent of sunsets. Because what I see is truth. And a love that died for me. I will be home. In a home that is forever. A home that is more beautiful than I can ever imagine. A home with the Savior that has, and is constantly redeeming my soul. My soul craves Him. And my heart loves Him.”